Astros 3
Canadians 1
contributed by NeilT
Ruggedly handsome Texas Ranger Captain Burk Lanceman stood at the helm of the 21 foot Austin Whaler as around it the drought-fed surge of the Red River flowed. The throbbing 75-horsepower Mercury outboard kept the sleek fiberglass hull steady against the powerful current as the CB radio crackled.
“10-4 good buddy, Captain Burk, Captain Burk, is that you?” From his observation post high on the Texas bank, General Greg Abbott scanned for movement on the opposite Oklahoma bank with powerful Zeiss binoculars. “I ain’t seen no movement over yonder. You sure that the wolverines were bringing them across at Oklaunion?”
“General, it rhymes with yokel, not okra, and we’re as sure as we can be. We lost two good men getting this information. One of them just sits and sings the chorus of “Wake Up”, and the other only recites “Green Eggs and Ham” in French. They have both been thoroughly drenched in maple syrup. We don’t know if they’ll ever recover.”
At the front of the powerful craft Governor Rick Perry adjusted his Kevlar battle gear and sighted along the mounted 50-caliber Browning M2. 
The air-cooled gun would lay down a cyclical rate of 700 rounds per minute. No French-speaking ten-year-old iceback from Quebec was coming across his stretch of the river.
State Senator Dan Patrick, soon to be Lite Governor Dan Patrick, yelled excitedly from his padded seat on the Yeti cooler in front of the center console. “Look! Look there, in that clump of salt cedar! I think I see something!” Governor Perry swung the M2 and laid down a quick 50-round burst, churning the earth and turning the salt cedar into flying matchsticks. A juvenile blue crane let out a harsh croak and rose from the bank. “Damn,” said Governor Perry, “I thought it was a coyote.”
Handsomely rugged Texas Ranger Captain Burk Lanceman adjusted his own aviators and stared at the northern bank. Hard-won information had told him that thousands of Canadian children would cross the border here, bringing with them their addictions to government-funded health care, poutine, down parkas, and Gordon Lightfoot records, but he knew instinctively that once again The Citizen was one step ahead of him. Somehow The Citizen had found out their plans to intercept the children at the river. Whoever he was, the high-ranking Texas official implanted as a child by the Royal Mounties to drive Texans to Canadian ideas by spouting absurdities, he made no mistakes. Captain Lanceman was no closer than he had ever been.
If only The Citizen would say something that sounded peculiar. But no, all high-ranking Texas officials sounded exactly the same. He would get him though. He would watch for the mistake that surely must come, identify The Citizen, and bring him to justice.
***
“Jean Jacques!” Senator Cruz, also known as The Citizen, called to his chief of staff. “Call off the crossing! The Blue Jays have allowed the Astros to win!”
After “O Canada” through three innings, Happ had been perfect, and the Blue Jays had held a 1-0 lead off a Navarro sac fly driving in Cabrera. McHugh had struggled, throwing ball after ball because of the carefully sabotaged mound. But in the 4th Carter reached first on a single, sacre bleu! And then Guzman drove Carter home on a soft single to center.
The Toronto team was throwing the game to let him know that Burk Lanceman had discovered his plot, and that the Canadian children would never make it across the Texas border where Burk Lanceman and Rick Perry patrolled. It was confirmed by the Blue Jays in the 8th, when Petit hit a Crawford Box home run that was only 89 mph off the bat. And what contortions the loyal Canadians had to go through to get Altuve home! The umpires would not cooperate with what should have been an in-the-park home run, they had to let him steal third, and then Bautista had to hold the ball in right to allow a sac fly. It was ugly for the Canadians, eh?
And when Downs, Veras, and Qualls allowed only one hit after the 7th, he knew. “Jean Jacques, we must try another day.” What else could be done, eh?