Astros 4
White Elephants 3
contributed by NeilT
Whenever the Astros play the As, it reminds me of their general manager, Mr. Bean, and it makes me want to talk statistics. Being myself a statistics god, there aren’t many with my level of expertise to talk to, so I headed off to Montrose. As the Talk Zone recognized long ago, statistics are gay, and there’s no place like a gay bar to talk numbers. Did you know that? There’s even a gay bar in Montrose called Numbers?
Now me, I go to TCs and look for Miss Lola Laloush. She has two great interests in life, baseball and drag racing. I’m sure she could have some great conversations with DarkStar about that 454 Chevelle SS, ‘cause I suspect she’s all about the big engines. But I’m not interested in that stuff. I wanted to talk baseball, and I hadn’t seen Miss Lola since I showed up at City Hall to explain to city council the dangers of transsexual third basemen in the clubhouse. Truth be told—–and don’t tell Kris—I’ve got just a bit of a crush on Miss Lola. She is one fine looking woman, and why she hangs out at a gay bar in Montrose is beyond me.
They know me at TCs ‘cause Miss Lola has introduced me around, and of course everybody there knows their baseball. Last year when I broke down crying at the end of the season they patted my shoulder, gave me a Shiner, and let me cry. I knew I wasn’t the first guy at TCs to cry about the Astros.
But for the second time this season, I showed up at TCs and Miss Lola wasn’t there. I should have called her, but I guess I think she’s always there. I asked the bartender and he said, “haven’t you heard? She’s gone to work for the Astros.”
Knock me down with a boa feather.
“Miss Lola went to work for the Astros?” I asked. “Yep,” says the bartender, “right after the media storm about Porter’s firing.”
Apparently after the Astros fired Porter, the Astros searched for someone who understood the team’s goals and who knew how to deal with the public, and everyone mentioned Miss Lola. “Her business is the public, and did you know she has a physics degree?” That’s what the bartender told me: he said it was just like Mike Fast. She’s not from Oklahoma, though. She got her masters from the Instituto Tecnológico y de Estudios Superiores de Monterrey. Think of that. A beautiful woman with a physics masters, from Monterrey. Did I mention she was one fine looking woman?
“No one,” said the bartender, “knows appearances like Miss Lola.” Well damn, I thought. Two things I’ve learned about Miss Lola that I didn’t know: (1) She has a masters in physics; and (2) she’s gone to work for the Astros. I already knew that Miss Lola knew how to make things look good.
I was on my third Shiner. I can’t think of anyone better the Astros could have hired, because she will certainly charm the public. And the Astros need some public relations expertise. Hopefully I’ll catch up with Miss Lola soon, and I’ll let you know what she says about her new job in the front office.
***
Meanwhile I’m thinking nothing helps public relations like winning. Oberholtzer kept things close over 6 innings, with 7 hits and 3 earned runs, 3 walks, and 1 strike out. Singleton led things off in the third with a homer, but the A’s went ahead in the bottom of the inning with 3 runs on 72 singles, two walks, and a visit to the mound. In the fourth, Altuve singled, got his 51st steal, and came home on a Chris Carter single. The Astros went ahead in the 6th after Altuve singled and was driven home by cHRis Carter. Altuve now has 196 hits, which is 15 behind Biggio’s team record and 25 ahead of Cabrera with 171. His average is back over .340. Carter has 36 HRs, tied for second with Stanton and one behind Cruz. This team may not be all Carter and Altuve, but it sure seems that way.
Veras replaced Oberholtzer for the last 2 outs of the seventh. Sipperstar pitched the eighth and closed out the 9th, with 4 outs on the 8th on a wild pitch.