Texas Team 13
Houston Team 6
contributed by NeilT
Howdy! This is a sad recap for you all, ‘cause it’s the last Friday night game of the season between the Texas team and the Houston team, and next season I won’t be the Governor of this Great State. If I’ve figured out the timing right I won’t be President yet either. Maybe General Abbott will take over these recappin’ duties, but he may be too busy suing Obama, and between you and me he’s not the charmiest fella you’re gonna meet. He’s even backed out of his debate against that little blonde hussy ‘cause he might come out looking worse than her, and that takes some doin’. I know that fellow running for Lite Governor used to be a sportscaster, so maybe he’ll take over the recapping. One thing’s certain, it won’t be a Democrat.
This summer’s been kind of rough, what with winding up my lifetime sinecure as His Governorness, and my team, the Texas team, losing the Silver Boot. Of the 14 years since the Lone Star Series was artificially inseminated, the Texas team has won the boot 10 times and the Houston team 4 times, including 2014. Now technically, there were three ties, but in my book ties go to the winner, and of course the winner is the Texas team. But just look at the win totals! It’s like Republicans whipping up on Democrats! Last year alone the Texas team went 17 -2, and the Houston team hasn’t won the boot since 2006. Overall it’s 63-41. This year though the Texas team hasn’t won much, and it’s falling. Texas still has low taxes and a balanced budget, so the only think I can think is that it’s because I’m leaving office. Texas, you’re suffering under the Curse of President Rick. Which reminds me, don’t forget to contribute to the P. Rick Pac.
You may have heard too that I was indicted. I still haven’t quite figured out what for, even after Anita tried to explain it to me, but I do know why, if you see the difference. I got this letter that explains it all:
Dir Presdent Rick:
I nose u dont no me good, but I am ur frind and loaylist fan. U were unfarly indited by a prsocutr fer doin good as govner. I no u no hu to blame. It was a plot by the Canadins who play hokky.
ur frind and loaylist fan,
Binch
P.S. I rit this so u cud understand it.
We tried to trace the letter, but it was written in magazine cut-out letters and mailed from Houston. I called up Steve Hotze but he didn’t know any Binch’s, and neither did that Patrick fella. I tell you this though, whoever he is he’s one smart cookie. Ruggedly handsome Captain Burk Lanceman of the Texas Rangers says the fingerprints of The Citizen are all over that indictment. It’s the sort of nefariousness that could only come from the minds of the Royal Mounties and The Citizen. I understand that that Austin DA was even drinking Canadian whiskey.
Didn’t my mug shot look grand though?
I guess that’s it for me, except I’m supposed to tell you something about the baseball game. 13-6. Wasn’t that as grand as my mug shot? If you’re a Houston fan, you got to be feeling pretty lousy getting beat up by the worst team in baseball, but then you had two scoreless innings by that pitcher with the unpronounceable name, a Castro home run for the second night running, and some more hits by Altuve. And everybody gets beat up sometime. Of course tonight the Texas team beat you just like I’m a’ gonna beat up that Austin DA. What’s that? Oh. I guess I’m not supposed to say that anymore, am I? What the heck, you get the idea.
And don’t forget to donate to P. Rick Pac.